Happy Go Lucky
by Kazie Solo
Summary: *One-shot/Songfic, song from Steps: Buzzz* Anakin's death in Myrkr broke Tahiri's heart, yet she seemed to have moved on. But did she, really? What does she go through when nobody's looking?


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Happy Go Lucky

The tears came again.

Though it had been quite sometime since her lover's death, his unfortunate fall in the Yuuzhan Vong stronghold in Myrkr, to Tahiri Veila, it seemed only yesterday. Everything that transpired between them seemed to have taken place on a single day, a single day that would remain in her heart until the end of time, from their memorable first encounter to their heartbreaking eternal separation.

She vividly remembered the moment they stared into each other's eyes as enemies, she wielding his lightsaber and was too close to using the purple blade on him --- and yet he didn't flinch, even if she held it too close to his face, even as the blade stroked off a lock of his hair. It was at that occasion when he said those three small words, three small words that meant everything to her, that changed everything inside of her and her life forever. And those three words made all the difference.

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I love you.

And those three words were the reason why she could not accept his death, could not accept that he was gone, wiped out from the face of the galaxy. Life was short, and their relationship was shorter, which was the most frustrating thing of all. Anakin Solo, the man she loved with all of her heart and with all of her soul, the man she was willing to obey every command and fulfill every request, the man she was ready to die for, was _dead_. There was nothing she could do to bring him back; there was, in fact, nothing she could, except to avenge his death.

She wasn't moving on because she just _couldn't_move on, despite everyone's encouragement to simply accept the fact that he wasn't coming back for her, or for anyone else. Not even for the family he left behind --- his father, his mother, his sister, his brother, his aunt and uncle, his cousin, his friends. He was dead, and there was no return for even someone as special, as important as him.

Nobody knew, however, that every night, while lying on her bed in silence, her memories and emotions caught up with her, choking her in sobs. And it became a habit for Tahiri, as one day rolled after the other, just the Yuuzhan Vong wrecked the galaxy star by star. There wasn't a single night where she wouldn't be captured in the fit of tears and anguished cries in the darkness of her quarters. The darkness, which scared her in the beginning, eventually became her friend; she learned to trust it with her innermost thoughts and deepest secrets, and above all, her most selfish desires.

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The world only sees me smiling,  
My pillow knows the truth every night,  
'Cuz that's where I hide my sorrow…

Tahiri could not forget the last time they ever spoke to each other --- in Myrkr, the land on which he stumbled and never rose again. The land on which he succumbed to the Force that filled him like a swirling maelstrom and eventually caused his untimely downfall. She didn't want to obey his orders then, as she didn't want to leave him, most especially because he was heavily injured, but he insisted otherwise. To wish him luck, she wanted to give him a kiss, but soon decided against it. "No --- for that, you have come back," she told him then.

She had been waiting ever since, waiting for the Jedi Knight who was her savior, her lover and her friend, as he still had a kiss to come home to. She was aware that she was being foolish, that she was longing for something that simply couldn't be, but still, she kept on doing what she believed in. There was no harm in dreaming, was there? And how many times had she heard the statement that dreams do come true? If there was a 'right time' for that saying to attain fulfillment, to elevate itself from being a mere collection of words with no meaning, that time was now.

Suddenly, the door of her quarters creaked slightly open, and she half-jumped off her bed, primarily out of her reflex that was honed because of the Yuuzhan Vong invasion. Then, her hands flew to her mouth, disbelief etched on her pale features, as she saw him standing at a distance, silhouetted by the tiny amount of light that entered the room from the outside. He was smiling, the ever-famous Solo lopsided grin on his face --- the very same one he flashed at her at their last moments together.

He gazed into her eyes. _"Tahiri, you are my best friend. I love you."_

"A-anakin?" she stuttered, taking one hesitant step at a time towards the figure of the one person she had so wanted to see for a long time. As his face grew clearer and clearer, her steps grew surer and surer, until she was close enough to tell herself with much conviction that she wasn't merely seeing things. She then bent forward to kiss him, as it was what he definitely came back for…

…but he was gone.

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And they call me happy go lucky,  
They don't know my heart is dying inside,  
A smile's a frown turned upside down,  
I do my happy go lucky so well,  
I'm even fooling myself…

She fell back on her bed, utterly devastated, water dripping from her emerald-colored eyes as she squeezed them shut, hoping to drive away all the pain, all the anguish she felt as well. He sounded so real, he felt so real, he looked so real --- but he wasn't. He was nothing more than a hallucination, nothing more than a lie, something her imagination created out of her fanatical desire to see him once again, to touch him once again, to hear him say that he loved her once again, to kiss him once again.

And she continued to cry, like what she did every night, pouring out everything she felt so she would be free of those heart-sinking emotions during the day, so her friends wouldn't realize that she still hadn't gotten over Anakin's untimely death. She then heard a knock on her door, and her name being called out. Rubbing her eyes and wiping her tears away, she sat up --- and realized that a new day had begun, the rays of the sun slipping through her window.

Putting on her best smile, she started for the door to admit her guest. "Coming!"

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When I see a new morning rise,  
I put on this disguise,  
It's all I have to protect m y pride,  
It's all I got, this smile's all I got…

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Another short and pointless Anakin/Tahiri fic, one of the products of staying up at midnight --- until the bright hours of the morning, actually --- for the mere fun of knowing how it feels not to sleep. *sweatdrops* Anyway, I would once again like to dedicate this to my sister, Raine, who is a hardcore fan of the pairing (even if she hasn't read the books, only excerpts that I jotted down for her) and who stayed up with me when this fic came to mind. And to those who reviewed my first NJO one-shot, Kiss Tahiri For Me, too. Many thanks!

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Star Wars © George Lucas  
**"Happy Go Lucky"** © Steps  
**Fanfiction** © Kaz, 2003   



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